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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Families, Volume 5 — Mishaps

David Bruce Anecdotes


• Zoe Williams, a columnist for Great Britain’s Guardian, has had a few embarrassing incidents because of breastfeeding, including one memorable moment when she squirted herself in the eye outside a Woolworth’s. However, her most embarrassing moment came when she was in a restaurant and noticed that one of her breast pads was on the floor. Hoping to act quickly before anyone noticed, she grabbed the breast pad and put it back in her blouse — unfortunately, she put it back in on the side that already had a breast pad. Result: one side had double coverage and the other side had no coverage. Her waiter, a man who resembled the actor Ewan McGregor, came over, and unfortunately her breasts leaked. The side that had no coverage displayed a very large, very noticeable stain that was very definitely noticed by Mr. McGregor — I mean, by the waiter.

• Geri Jewell is a hearing-impaired comedian (although her main handicap is cerebral palsy), which can sometimes lead to misunderstandings. For example, once some fans called her name and followed her down a street, and they thought she was ignoring them. Instead, she simply wasn’t wearing her hearing aids that day — she wears them only about 60 percent of the time, and quite often, as when background noise is present, they don’t help. In addition, she and another hearing-impaired comedian, Kathy Buckley, sometimes have “deaf lunch.” They make a lunch date, but one of them mishears the other, and so they end up eating alone in different restaurants, with each of them wondering where the other one is.

• Some animals are very good at mimicking human voices. A German woman once got on a train and put a cage in the luggage rack. Later, some other people joined her and started talking to her. During a pause in the conversation, a voice was heard coming from the luggage rack. The other people were shocked and accused the German woman of putting her child in the luggage rack. Smiling, the German woman took out the cage, and showed the other people the source of the voice — an African grey parrot.

• The Carroll Theatre in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, used to give away dishes as an incentive to get people away from their television sets and in front of live entertainment. One week, the theatre gave away dinner plates, the next week soup bowls, another week saucers, etc. Each week, without fail, the audience would sit with their free dishes in their lap, become engrossed by the show, and forget about the dishes. After the show, they would applaud, then stand up — and their free dishes would fall to the floor and break.

• Languages are difficult to learn because so many expressions are used in only one language. For example, an American says that you are driving too fast by asking, “Where’s the fire?” However, this expression does not translate literally into other languages. Ruth Sasaki once thought her taxi driver in Tokyo was driving too fast, so she asked him, in Japanese, where the fire was. This confused the driver, who replied that he did not know where the fire was, but if she would tell him the address, he would drive her there.

• Quaker humorist Tom Mullen frequently visited an old man who told the same stories over and over, so instead of listening to the old man, sometimes he tuned out and merely said “uh-huh” at pauses in the old man’s conversation. Once, the old man asked, “Is ‘uh-huh’ all you can say to me?” With his mind still on automatic pilot, Mr. Mullen replied, “Uh-huh.”

• On the old TV show Name that Tune, the song title to be guessed was “I Love You.” A newlywed had made several incorrect guesses, so emcee George De Witt gave her a hint: “What did you say to your husband on your wedding night?” The newlywed thought for a moment, then said this remarkable blooper: “Gosh, that’s a hard one.”

• Theodore Giesel, aka Dr. Seuss, wasn’t good with money — his wife took care of their finances, as he couldn’t even balance a checkbook — and he never carried money on him. Occasionally, he would dine in restaurants with friends, offer to pay the check, then realize that he had no money on him.


Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved


The Funniest People in Families, Volume 5 — Smashwords (Free Download)


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David Bruce at Smashwords (PDFs and Other Formats)



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