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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Families, Volume 5 — Friends, Gays and Lesbians

David Bruce Anecdotes


• Sometimes, you simply have to have friends. Ask a couple of members of the doom-metal trio Zoroaster, whose debut album is titled Dog Magic. Guitarist/vocalist Will Fiore met bassist/vocalist Brent Anderson at a rural Georgia high school, outside Atlanta. During one of the first times they met outside school, they smoked together — using a 14-feet-high bong. Mr. Fiore says, “You had to go upstairs and lean over the loft and have someone down in the living room light it.” Later, the duo formed Zoroaster, and eventually, they added drummer Dan Scanlan.

• Author Clarence Budington Kelland was once awakened at 3 a.m. by a knocking at his door. Opening the door, he discovered his friend Ring Lardner and invited him in. However, although Mr. Lardner was in the mood for company, he was not in the mood for talking (he seldom was); therefore, Mr. Lardner sat silently and Mr. Kelland eventually fell asleep. At dawn, Mr. Kelland was awakened by Mr. Lardner, who told him, “I don’t want to seem rude, but aren’t you ever going home?”

• During the off-season, Dodger pitcher Carl Erskine made a wrong turn and ended up north of Cincinnati, Ohio, in Darrtown, where Dodger manager Walt Alston lived. It was a small town with only one phone booth and one gas station. Mr. Erskine got on the telephone, called Mr. Alston, and said, “I’m passing through town and wanted to stop and say hello. Tell me where you live.” Mr. Alston replied, “Turn around. I’m watching you out of the kitchen window.”

• While attending junior high school, gymnast Bart Conner ran for a school office against one of his best friends, and he decided to vote for him out of friendship. When the votes were counted, Bart discovered that he had lost the election by exactly two votes — one was his own vote, and the other was his friend’s.

Gays and Lesbians

• A drag queen named Ron remembers the 1960s when the police raided gay clubs in New York. Whenever a police raid occurred, an employee of the club would turn on a light to alert the patrons, who would stop dancing and start pretending to be straight. He says that you would throw your wig behind a chair and rip off your eyelashes, adding, “You would grab a diesel dyke and pretend she was your girlfriend.” At one raid at Greene’s Dance Studio in Brooklyn, other people ran, but Ron was wearing a very tight dress that made it impossible for him to run, leading to his arrest. He was dressed as Jane Russell at the time, and a photograph appeared in a newspaper with this headline: “Jane Russell is a Man.” Years later, he told the story to the real Jane Russell, who sent him a photograph with the inscription “To us Janes, God bless us.”

• Terry and Bill are a gay couple who have been together for over 25 years. Because they got together in the days before gays and lesbians could be legally married, they made up a date for their anniversary, choosing the first Friday in January because that is when they had their first date. Of course, the date of their anniversary changes from year to year, but they are original, after all. Each time the first Friday of January rolls around, they celebrate by eating at a nice restaurant. More and more, people are accepting homosexuality. Terry and Bill live in Lakewood, Washington, and they celebrated an anniversary in a nice restaurant in Steilacoom. Their male waiter overheard them toast each other, so he brought them a complimentary dessert and wished them, “Happy anniversary.” For both Terry and Bill, it was a special night.

• Carol and Marie, a lesbian couple, once looked at a one-bedroom apartment in the company of Mrs. Hosserschall, a 70-year-old landlady. They were worried about what Mrs. Hosserschall’s reaction to them might be, but she was extremely nice. They decided to take the apartment, and Marie asked the very butch Carol to get the checkbook and pay the down payment. Mrs. Hosserschall said, “That’s right. Let your husband do it.” Marie replied, “Carol’s not, uh, we’re not — she’s not my husband, she’s my girlfriend.” Mrs. Hosserschall then asked Marie if Carol paid the bills. Marie said that she did, so Mrs. Hosserschall said, “Well, then, she’d better get the checkbook before somebody rents the apartment out from under you.”


Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved


The Funniest People in Families, Volume 5 — Smashwords (Free Download)


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David Bruce at Smashwords (PDFs and Other Formats)




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