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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Families, Volume 5 — Dating, Death, Easter, Education

David Bruce Anecdotes


• Nick Lachey of the pop group 98 Degrees is a romantic. When he was dating Jessica Simpson, she went on a tour and opened for Ricky Martin. At each of her stops, he faxed her one letter of the alphabet. When all of the letters were put together in order, they spelled, “Jess, you complete my soul.”

• Lesbian comedian Judy Carter suggests that one way to solve the problem of figuring out how to meet other gay people is to out yourself; for example, you could say, “I’m checking out my gaydar. Are you gay?”


• In a Cambridge, Massachusetts, cemetery is a funeral monument raised to TRUTH. Jonathan Mann (1821-1892) was a superintendent of the cemetery. He got into a disagreement about how some funds should be spent and took the matter to court, where he lost. Believing that TRUTH was dead, he had a funeral monument raised in her memory.

• Wilson Mizner was capable of black humor. After getting dressed one morning, Mr. Mizner learned from his brother Addison that another brother, Lansing, had died. Mr. Mizner replied, “Why didn’t you tell me before I put on a red tie?”

• On his deathbed, Heinrich Heine made a will that left everything to his wife, Mathilda — provided that she remarry. Why? Mr. Heine explained, “When Mathilda remarries, there will be at least one man who regrets my death.”


• During Easter service at the Hunter Community Church in Franklin, Ohio, the pastor and choir carried lighted candles in a procession down the aisle. A small boy in the congregation saw the lighted candles and started singing, “Happy birthday to you.”


• Colleges tend to have official mottos. For example, Yale’s official motto is “Lux et Veritas,” which is Latin for “Light and Truth.” Ohio University’s official motto is “Religio Doctrina Civilitas, Prae Omnibus Virtus,” which is Latin for “Religion, Learning, Politics/Civility; Above All, Virtue.” Unfortunately, but funnily, colleges often tend to have unofficial mottos. For example, the unofficial motto of the University of Chicago is “Where Fun Goes to Die.” The unofficial motto of Grinnell College is “Where the Hell is Grinnell?” (It’s in Iowa.) The unofficial motto of Swarthmore College is “Guilt Without Sex.” And the unofficial motto of Reed College is “Communism, Atheism, Free Love.”

• Many Navajo live on the Navajo Reservation, but many Navajo live away from it. Once, when Monty Roessel was a young boy returning home from school, he heard his mother calling him to sit beside her as she weaved and sang. He asked her why she weaved, and she replied that while she was weaving, she was home in Navajoland. She explained, “This is who we are. The loom connects me with the sacred mountains, and the song connects me with my mother.” Later, Monty’s 10-year-old daughter, Jaclyn, asked her grandmother to teach her to weave. When Jaclyn was asked why she wanted to weave, she replied, “That is what we do; that is who we are.”

• Actor Eli Wallach was born and raised in Brooklyn, but he attended the University of Texas at Austin because out-of-state tuition was only $30 for his first year. His professors often called on him in class. Why? Mr. Wallach explains, “Because they wanted to hear my Brooklyn accent.” Mr. Wallach became interested in Texas politics when he was at Austin. The governor at the time of his first year at the college was a woman, Ma Ferguson, whose husband had been Texas governor but had been impeached. Ma Ferguson ran for governor and was elected, and her husband kept on running the state just like he had before being impeached.

• Valentina Pereyaslavec was a very tough teacher at New York’s Ballet Theater School. Whenever anyone talked in class, she would draw herself up, throw her head back, narrow her eyes, and say, “I not like talk in class.” Immediately, the culprits would stop talking. During one practice, she watched three dance students in the first row. One dance student was ahead of the beat. Another dance student was behind the beat. The final dance student was on the beat. She looked at the floor, then clapped her hands sharply, and announced, “Class finished!”


Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved


The Funniest People in Families, Volume 5 — Smashwords (Free Download)


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