David Bruce: The Funniest People in Families, Volume 4 — Mishaps, Money, Mothers

David Bruce Anecdotes


• A deaf woman was watching a favorite soap opera, eagerly reading the captions to learn the shocking secret the episodes had been leading up to for months. Suddenly, an emergency bulletin came on the screen, covering up the words to the captions.


• When Navajo artist R.C. Gorman was in the United States Navy as a young man, he needed extra money. Many of the sailors had calendars featuring drawings of beautiful women by an artist named George Petty, so Mr. Gorman spread the word that he would use photographs of the girlfriends and wives of the sailors and draw their heads on top of a beautiful body similar to those drawn by Mr. Petty. He charged enlisted men $2 for a drawing — officers paid $7. Business was brisk.

• Neil Simon is perhaps the most financially successful playwright ever, with a long string of hits. For his first play, Come Blow Your Horn, he took $500 of his mother’s money and invested it in his play, saying, “I’m going to make you an angel.” His first play was a big hit, and his mother made a lot of money. Thereafter, he made sure his mother was an investor in all his other hits, making his mother well off.

• When lesbian comedian Judy Carter was shopping for a wedding ring for her girlfriend, the jewelry store saleslady said, “He’ll love this!” Ms. Carter replied, “He? I’m not marrying a man.” Absolutely unfazed, the saleslady said, “Of course you’re not.” According to Ms. Carter, this “just goes to show that most people don’t care who we’re sleeping with as long as the check doesn’t bounce.”

• Some teenage boys walked into a library, and one of the boys told the librarian about a student group holding an event, then requested a donation. The boy had made the student group sound so wonderful that the librarian gave him the donation he had requested. After the boy and his friends left, the librarian discovered that she had made a donation to a kegger beer party.

• When Charles Darwin set sail around the world as a naturalist on the Beagle, his father gave him an allowance. Remembering that as a student he had sometimes run out of money, Charles remarked that he would have to be clever to overspend his allowance on a ship in the middle of the ocean. His father replied, “They tell me you are very clever.”

• Charles McClure is a judge in juvenile court in Leon County, Florida. Once, a juvenile offender said that he didn’t have any money to pay restitution to the victims of his crimes. Judge McClure noticed that the juvenile offender was wearing a wristwatch, so he forced the juvenile offender to hand it over to the court.

• A seven-year-old Catholic schoolchild taught by a Sister of Notre Dame found it difficult to return library books on time, and so he eventually accumulated overdue library book fines totaling $1. The child looked sad as he paid the fine, and said, completely seriously, “Now I won’t be able to buy my new car when I’m 16.”

• Mary Tyler Moore wasn’t out to get rich when she joined the cast of The Dick Van Dyke Show as Robert Petrie’s wife, Laura. She told executive producer Sheldon Leonard that she wanted the TV series to last long enough for her to buy “a new set of drapes.”

• Erma Bombeck scored a notable success with her book If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What am I Doing in the Pits? — the paperback rights sold for $1 million. When a reporter asked her what she had done to celebrate, she replied, “I didn’t do my laundry for three days.”


• Susie Essman plays the foul-mouthed Susie Greene on the HBO comedy series Curb Your Enthusiasm. Her tirades, which are many, are filled with profanity delivered in many original and colorful ways — she rivals the foul-mouthed Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame in her talent for profanity. She uses this talent of hers in real life; in fact, her family uses “Susie Greene” as a verb. For example, while she and her 16-year-old daughter were walking on Broadway, a creep grabbed her daughter’s bottom. Ms. Essman says, “Oh, he got so Susie Greened, I can’t even tell you — I went crazy on him!” After proper and just revenge had been exacted on the creep, her daughter said to her, “Y’know, you just Susie Greened him.” Ms. Essman replied, “Let that be a lesson for you! You Susie Greene anybody who ever does that to you!”


Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved


The Funniest People in Families, Volume 4 — Smashwords (Free Download)



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David Bruce at Smashwords (PDFs and Other Formats)

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