David Bruce: The Funniest People in Families, Volume 3 — Tobacco, Travel, Weddings

Tobacco

• Not all rules in school are strictly enforced. For example, one school had a rule against students smoking on school premises. However, as you might expect, the school restrooms were frequently cloudy with cigarette smoke, and teachers were supposed to go occasionally into the restrooms and fill out a report on whichever kids were caught smoking. The teachers disliked doing this because the time spent filling out forms cut down on the time they could do their own smoking. Therefore, before entering a restroom, the teachers would yell, “Put them out!” Students threw their butts into the toilets, the teachers would walk into the restroom, and later the teachers could honestly say that they had not caught any students smoking.

• Andrew Tobias’ financial software program Managing Your Money has a Life Expectancy determiner. If you type that you’re 13 and you smoke, the program will tell you, “You’re 13 and you smoke? ARE YOU CRAZY?”

Travel

• When Larry “Moon” Mullins was a football coach, he traveled frequently — according to his wife, much too frequently. One day, after he returned from yet another away game, his wife met him at the door and said, “Good afternoon. I’m Mrs. Mullins, and I would like to introduce your children. This is Larry, this is Mike, this is Mary Ellen, this is Kathleen, this is Anne, and this is Maggie.” (A rival coach once asked Mr. Mullins how many children he had. Hearing the answer — six — the rival coach said, “I’m not surprised. You never were one to hold down the score.”)

• A couple who lived in New York City went on vacation in rural Maine. They met an old man, bonded with him, and asked him what the good things were about living in the country. The old man said, “Well, everybody knows everybody else. People often come and visit me, and I often go and visit them. And there are lots of children here.” The couple then asked, “What are the bad things about living in the country?” The old man thought for a moment, then said, “Well, the same things, really.”

Weddings

• A new form of wedding photos appeared in the mid-2000s — photographs that show the bride after the wedding more or less destroying her very expensive wedding gown — or at least wearing it in an unexpected place. (The average wedding gown then cost approximately $1,800.) Louisiana photographer Mark Eric even created the website <trashthedress.com> in September of 2006. However, the photographer who really started the trend — as Mr. Eric acknowledges — is Las Vegas wedding photographer John Michael Cooper, who has a company called altf (which is short for “Alternative F**king Photography”). He found an area of burned-up mesquite, and he thought that a remarkable photograph would result from placing a fabulous bride in a fabulous wedding gown in this terrain. Four brides turned down his request to photograph them there, so he bought a wedding gown on eBay for $100 and used a friend to model the gown in the burnt-up terrain. These photographs were remarkable, and brides started requesting similar photographs. Many remarkable photographs have been taken of brides lying on the sand or swimming in their expensive wedding gowns.

• When Wah Ming Chang became engaged to Glennella “Glen” Taylor, a white woman, in 1941, things became pretty tense. Ms. Taylor’s parents didn’t want her to marry a man of Asian heritage. In addition, because Ms. Taylor lived in Texas and Mr. Chang lived in California, they had a difficult time seeing each other due to wartime shortages of gasoline. Because of these difficulties, they decided to get married right away rather than wait, so then they had to decide who would travel to whom for the marriage. After investigating marriage laws, they discovered that in California, marriages between Chinese and Caucasian people were not permitted, so the marriage was held in Texas instead. Later, his wife’s parents completely accepted Mr. Chang, and California changed its laws.

• Heather Marie Michaud and Jeff Thomas had a conventional legal wedding at a courthouse on May 7, 2005 (Ms. Michaud, who dressed as a fairy princess at the unconventional wedding, calls it a haiku wedding and refers to the date as 5-7-5), followed by an unconventional wedding that probably would not have met legal requirements. The unconventional wedding included anti-vows. For example, Mr. Thomas was asked, “Do you promise to tell only jokes that are funny?” He replied, “I do not.” And instead of a conventional wedding cake at a conventional reception, Ms. Michaud’s sister instead made over 40 wedding pies.

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Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved

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