David Bruce: The Funniest People in Families, Volume 2 — Food, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gifts


• Comedian Carol Burnett married Joe Hamilton, a divorced man with eight children. They then proceeded to add three daughters to the already large family. With the addition of other family members and friends, they enjoyed some very large dinners. For a single meal, Carol once fried 67 pieces of chicken!


• Friends Bing Crosby and Bob Hope played an exhibition golf match together. Getting ready to putt, Mr. Crosby wanted to know how fast the green was, so he asked his caddy if the green had been cut that morning. After hearing that it had been cut, Mr. Crosby putted—and holed out. Mr. Hope then prepared to putt and asked the same caddy, “What time this morning?”

• At the 1998 Winter Olympic Games in Nagano, Japan, Tara Lipinski was in second place following the short program. However, Tara telephoned her best friend, Erin Elbe, to say, “I’m in second. Tomorrow it’ll be different.” It was different—Tara came from behind to win the gold medal in women’s figure skating.

• Joe Louis clobbered Max Baer for a while before knocking him out. Afterward, Mr. Baer told his friend, Jack Dempsey, “Kid me all you like, but just the same I gave Louis a terrific scare.” Mr. Dempsey agreed: “You sure did. For a while, he must have thought he killed you.”

Gays and Lesbians

• Sometimes, homosexuals are accepted by people who seem unlikely to accept them—even people they have been warned not to come out to because it might kill them. A gay man from an Italian Catholic family was visiting his 81-year-old grandmother while she was watching soap operas, and suddenly she pointed to an actor and said, “Isn’t he beautiful?” He looked surprised, so she said, “I’m not stupid, you know. I know you don’t like girls.” Then she smiled and added, “I watch all of the talk shows. I know what’s going on in the world.” Finally, the gay man was able to say, “Grandma, I’m gay, and I was afraid to tell you.” She told him, “When you get to be my age, a lot of things don’t bother you that used to bother you. You realize that a lot of things aren’t important enough to get upset over. What’s important is that people are happy.”

• Lesbian comedian Judy Carter knows a lesbian mother who came out to her children. Her 14-year-old son was worried about what his friends might think, so she promised that she would not out herself to his friends. In addition, she said that if any of his friends ever asked if she was a lesbian, he should joke, “Why? Does your mother want to date her?”

• When gay author Michael Thomas Ford came out to his sister, her response was, “Well, you know I’m okay with it, but God says it’s wrong, so you’re probably going to hell.”


• At the 1992 Olympic Games in Albertville, France, figure skater Elvis Stojko finished seventh. When he returned home, his aunt and uncle gave him a gift: a round medallion that had been specially made for him. On one side of the medallion appears an engraving of the Olympic rings and the words, “Sixteenth Olympic Winter Games.” On the other side of the medallion appear the words, “Congratulations, Elvis, You’re Number One.” Mr. Stojko has worn that medallion at every competition he has appeared in since it was given to him.

• A few years after Martina Navratilova defected from Czechoslovakia to the United States, her parents moved to Dallas, Texas, and tried to adapt to American life. However, they grew homesick for their home country, language, and culture, so they moved back to Czechoslovakia. Martina gave them $50,000 so they could buy a very nice home and 40 apple trees.

• The best friend of R.L. Stine, author of the Fear Street and Goosebumps books, is Joe Arthur, who is known for his absolutely inappropriate but always funny gifts. When Mr. Stein’s son, Matt, was born, Mr. Arthur sent him a baby present—a very heavy shot put that cost almost $100 to mail. And when Matt was older, Joe gave him one walkie-talkie.

• A woman once sent her nephew a gift—cherries, preserved in brandy. The nephew wrote her a very nice thank-you note: “Dear Aunt, a thousand thanks for your kind gift. I appreciate the cherries immensely, not so much for themselves as for the spirit in which they are sent.”


Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved


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